1. Staying up until midnight is not exciting. It’s either standard or tedious.
2. There are no New Year’s Eve food. Fuck canapés! What kind of holiday has no associated food? A bullshit one. Goodbye!
3. Noise makers. Fuck them. Fuck them all.
4. People vomiting everywhere. And maybe even vomiting onto you. Nah, I’m good.
5. You can’t bring your pets to NYE parties. Reason enough not to go, if you ask me!
6. The pressure to *~*hAvE fUn*~* is a little too intense. If you succumb to the pressure, you’re vomming ’cause there’s no good NYE food and if you don’t succumb, you’re bored. So, it’s either: Go insane and regret it, or be bored outta your gourd. Decisions, decisions!
7. It’s been a long December, and you deserve to sit one out. For many of us, 2016 has been a rough-ass year. Why not start out 2017 by taking care of yourself? Maybe that’s binging on Netflix and snacks from the comfort of your couch, or maybe that’s doing Baby Foot and going to bed at 9pm. Do your thang! As long as it involves staying indoors!
8. The pressure to dress like a ~classy hot slut~ is too much. Who needs that? Besides, sequins are not warm, and that brings me to my next point:
9. It’s cold AF. It’s a holiday that was basically created for staying indoors, snuggling your cat, and drinking half a bottle of champagne before you pass out at 10 p.m.
10. Sparkly clothes are uncomfortable. You know what’s not uncomfortable? Your PJs.
11. People pretend it’s cool to kiss strangers. And that’s weird!!! I’ll spend my evening making out with my pillow like a normal person TYVM!
12. Crowds. Oh, the humanity! Unless you love feeling like a rat in a cage, this is not your night.
13. Getting to and from anywhere is a nightmare. Unless you’re living that plu$h lifestyle, the NYE Uber surge fee *will* kill you.
14. You have one night left in the year to be a complete slob before your resolutions set it. Take advantage! This is the one day a year when you can not sit upright for 24 hours and subsist only on cheesecake and you’re doing everything right. Why mess that up with movement?
15. You’ll probably do something you regret. Since you’re blowing off 2016, you might spend the night blowing the wrong dude. Don’t! Stay in and blow through your Hulu queue instead! Fewer STDs!
16. It’s amateur night. And everyone behaves like amateurs. You’re a professional, and so must stay in and professionally destroy some brownies and champers like the champ you are.
17. Hangovers suck. Seriously; just avoid one to begin with by drinking responsibly at home and then waking up in the morning to take a jog! JK, you should still sleep in.