4. Masturbating at the doctor’s office isn’t fun, but it’s the only way you might be able to have a kid.
At some point, the man has to give the doctor a sperm donation, whether it’s just once (for testing) or repeatedly (as part of IUI or IVF treatments). What’s it like? Imagine the ambience of a department-store changing room. A nurse presents you with “the materials” (i.e., pornography) and basically says, “Clean yourself and have at it!” You take a genital bath at a sink (weird) and then sit down (or stand, or kneel, or lean casually, if that’s your thing) to watch some good ol’ fashioned porn. John watched his porn on a broken DVD player that couldn’t fast-forward. Silvija’s husband was presented with a ‘90s-era computer with video clips like “Tropical.mov” and “PublicBus.mov.”
The whole time you’re able to hear staff members in the hallway discussing their lunch plans, and you’re convinced that someone is going to accidentally walk in on you at your most vulnerable. When you, somehow, miraculously, manage to ejaculate, you have to make sure it goes in the cup without being contaminated — your “sample” cannot have touched your hands, because those hands probably touched a counter or the remote or the outside of the cup (remember the genital bath from earlier?). That sperm had better be in tip-top shape so that you can have kids. Yes, the substance you usually leave in a tissue (or paper towel, or T-shirt, or tube sock, if that’s your thing) is now part of an important medical process that will affect the rest of your life. No pressure.
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