The whole point of an in-person breakup is to open a dialogue about why your are not compatible. When your are ending a relationship-relationship, a face-to-face conversation can be really helpful for both of you. From that conversation you can get insights into your behavior that might help you out in your future relationships (i.e. your snoring is unworkable). But when your are only three dates in, you don’t know each other well enough to have valuable insights into the other persons character. All you really know is whether your are attracted to the person or not, and having a whole discussion about why your are not isn’t constructive for anyone.
In these early days, you should feel free to text a kind lie. My preferred excuse is: My ex is back in my life and were going to try to make it work (inserting another person into the equation adds an extra layer of finality to the breakup) but you can also tell her youre not dating right now or youre moving to Ukraine. Make it about you. Three dates in, the dumpee probably isnt emotionally invested in your whatevership at all, and shes not going to read too far into whatever you say. You dont have to be honest, you just have to be conclusive.
You want them to hate you.
One rarely discussed advantage to sending a breakup text beyond the fourth date is the fact that the recipient will probably never forgive you. Last May, found that because remaining love feelings for an ex-partner are negatively associated with recovery from a romantic break-up, it may be helpful to decrease those love feelings. The study found that negative reappraisal was a far more effective strategy for getting over a breakup than positive reappraisal of love feelings (reminiscing about the happy times) or distraction (rebounding with women you met on Tinder.) If you dont care about maintaining a friendly acquaintanceship with the dumpee, you might actually be doing them a favor by delivering one last reminder that youre an asshole.
In these early days, you should feel free to text a kind lie.
Your are better at texting.
, from 2017, found that the best way to break up with someone is to be direct and even a little bit cold. The study showed that while most dump-ers eased into the breakup slowly, with a lot of buffers and small talk, dumpees actually responded better to a quick buffer (we need to talk) followed by a blunt breakup.
A pre-conversation text also gives the dumpee the chance to steel themselves to the conversation thats about to happen. When youre going to meet up with someone to break up, you dont want them to arrive with no idea whats about to happen. You want them to arrive feeling composed.
Youre considering ghosting.
Earlier this month I read an in response to a woman whose long-distance boyfriend had after two years together. While I can justify the cowardice that goes into a breakup text, the cowardice that goes in to ghosting (especially after two years, but even in early days) is unforgivable. Breaking off a relationship in a text message isnt great, but its a hell of a lot better than ghosting. That karmic vortex you were worried about? Thats where the ghosts go.
