5. Change your ‘blame statements.’
What story do you tell yourself about why the relationship ended? Orbuch says most people either blame their former partners (“He couldn’t commit.” “She didn’t treat me well.”) or themselves (“I should have never gotten involved.” “I’m not cool enough.”). But to effectively cope, you need to rewrite your story in “we terms.” (“We weren’t right for each other” or “we were too young.”) “Any of those statements allow you to let go and reduce emotional baggage thought-wise,” Orbuch says.
6. Turn what you don’t have into what you can do.
Similarly, it’s helpful to change your internal dialogue from one about all the things you’ve lost in the breakup to all the things you’ve gained, experts say. “Instead of thinking, ‘I’m so lonely. I’ll never find another partner. What’s going to happen over the holidays?’ Think about the things you now get to do,” whether that’s hanging out more with your friends, making a career move that takes you to another city, or simply appreciating less relationship stress in your daily life.
Lewandowski recommends writing these thoughts down: Research shows that while journaling about the negatives is more helpful than not writing at all, forcing yourself to focus on the positives is especially effective when it comes to moving on, he says.
