What to Ask Yourself Before Sending a Nude Pic or Sexy Text

Under the right conditions women like receiving dick pics, or below the belt selfies, in the parlance of Jeff Bezos-National Enquirer debacle. Exchanging sexy photos is a lot more efficient than exchanging sexy texts, for one thing. Plus, as camera phones have improved, the quality of dick pics has also improved-goodbye, grainy schlongs of Chatroulette; hello, portrait mode peens! Were in a golden age of dick pics.

But before you send one, you should always ask yourself these questions:

Do you know the recipient?

than women, which partly explains why I periodically receive unsolicited dick pics from strangers on dating apps. Its comparable to how cats sometimes bring their owners critters theyve killed-cats enjoy eating dead animals, so when a cat leaves one, dead or dying, in his owners bed, he thinks hes bringing her a tasty treat. To clarify: A dick pic from a stranger does nothing for women. It is a dead vole. Never send a dick pic to someone who is not already intimately acquainted with the dick in question.

To this end, before you send a picture, remember to double-check-nay, triple-check-that you are sending this picture to the appropriate contact, and not to your colleague with the same first name.

Does the recipient want a nude pic?

Even when someone is intimately acquainted with your dick-even if youve sent them oodles of noodle pics-they might not want to see it right then. They might be babysitting, and in the same instant you send your dick pic, the babysittee might have wrestled their phone from their death grip and be running around the room with it shouting Pee-pee picture! Pee-pee picture! Its smart to preface any dick pic with something along the lines of: Im so hard, want to see?

How confident are you that this person will never share your nude pic?

Before you send a sexy photo, you should make two assumptions: First, that the recipient will save it her phone as collateral in case you one day wrong her; second, that you will become a politician. (See also: Anthony Weiner.) If you dont completely trust the recipient to use your dick pic for good and not for evil, dont send it.

Is there anything un-sexy in the background?

I probably wont notice whether youve or not, but I will definitely notice that unidentifiable stain on the towel hanging behind you. Avoid taking any sexy pictures in your bathroom-theres nothing attractive about your toilet, and mirror selfies in poor lighting are so Myspace. I recommend taking a photo in your bedroom, where the magic happens. If youre having trouble positioning your phone without a mirror, put your laptop on something waist-height, open up Photobooth, and do a quick spin to make sure theres nothing embarrassing in your shot.

Besides bathroom stuff, other things that will distract from your dick include: A pile of laundry, a pile of dishes, and your child. (See also: Anthony Weiner, again.)

Is this nude pic really on-brand for you?

A lot of men think every dick pic has to be a full-frontal shot of your throbbing dong, with your six-pack peeking out behind it. But if youre new to dick photography or just feeling shy, I recommend starting out with something a little less self-serious. Look to for inspiration. One particularly Photoshop-gifted boyfriend would decorate his dick pics with little hats or, on one occasion, Joe Bidens face. (Not not arousing.) He wasnt the type to send a really aggro selfie, and I appreciated that his dick pics reflected his personality. His photos also made me really comfortable sending him funny-sexy photos in return, and why are you giving out nudes if not to get nudes back?

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